Waking up in my bead
I feel SO UTTERLY OBLITERATED
That I even spelled bed with an a
It's now 10.33 am as I am writing this and by my standards waking up at ten is way too late, hence now I have a slight moral hangover which I try to alleviate by thinking about a friend who never leaves her kingdom of dreams before noon. (Steppenwolf also lingered in bed until noon)
So by their standards I am Still doing pretty well!
The last two days I have spent inside my witches den, polishing and furnishing it, mumbling little spells for my ancestors and properly cleaning the air with Palo santo and essential oils…(I have a humidity issue and some angry ghosts in the attic which I want to get rid of for the sake of Feng Shui.)
It's cloudy days like these that I thank the universe for, this is time for me to just breathe and get re-aqquainted with myself and to realize how much things I actually do just because I think that I "should do them", because I constantly compare myself with everyone around me and try to mimick their behaviour delusionally thinking that it will bring me happiness also. And how do I even know if these people even are happy? Maybe by their own standards but not mine. Maybe for them it's enough but I need more, or less.
Overall the last week has been a huge journey of discovery into mys mind and soul and I am most grateful for myself for allowing this introspection to take Place. One example of how I live according to other people's preferences is that often when I feel like staying home and getting cozy, with no energy to give to another human being, I might Still leave my post and go out to a party or a bar or whatever only to find out that my gut feeling was right, not being able to bring joy to anyone and disappointing myself for yet once again having failed to listen to my heart.
Actually this all boils down to honesty, which has been a big theme for my inner workings these past days, Radical honesty that is.
I've started to understand how much we actually lie to ourselves all the time, trying to please the people around us, and often in my case, trying to please my mother's voice that I hear in my head. (Warning: processing deep psychological trauma!!!)
See, she's the kind of mother who always encouraged me to be brave and social. I could always tell that she didn't have much respect for shy or timid people. She probably Felt sorry for them and thought that there was something wrong with them. So I should become like her instead: outspoken, vivid, loud, strong, never letting things get under my skin. Only that I was the most sensitive little creature you could find, and by sensing my mother's vision of a perfect child I worked hard to mold myself to be just that.
I remember how me and my little Brother were swinging next to eachother with my mother giving us a push. Unlike my Brother I liked the thrill of the speed and always asked for more, and can remember how my mother almost spoke ill of my Brother as a coward for not being able to take a harder push without starting to whince.
Writing about my memories they seem to fade into the distance and fall apart like snow flakes, and it might be so that all of this was of my own impression, but like I said, I was sensitive like a Mimosa flower and could clearly identify what kind of behaviour my mother prefered from her children.
Excuse me. I could clearly benefit from the aid of a professional listener it seems, judging from the length of my ramblings...
But now, back to the subject of honesty:
Lying is an act that we conduct at a very young age and thus it is something that can be very hard to discern.
I recently started dating this guy and vey quickly noticed that our communication started to hit the wall. I have always had tremendous trouble opening my mouth when I feel like something is going astray,even though I've always thought of myself as an honest person. "Luckily" my partner struggles with honesty too, so it was a subject that inevitably had to be discussed sooner or later. This is the first time either of us has directly addressed this issue so it is a huge landmark for both of us. After a long and envigorating phone call about honesty and mental liberation I started to venture into the scary but exhilarating world of Radical Honesty.
I'll be writing more about my findings and a proper introduction to Radical Honesty asap :)
